The Ascent of Man

[MudDucker]

THE ASCENT OF MAN

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.


The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.


Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as 'girliemen.'


Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.


Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi , tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.


Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after
the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
respond to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it.
A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately.

[GC]