Affairs...

[Ferenczy]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to
her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke
up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove
home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all
afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be
the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed
it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to
show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My
God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband
inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied. "The
Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was
said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went
to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to
the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and
nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly,
Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the
menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A
nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the
guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender
replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now
just rest and let the poison work."

[dstockwell]

[Fishman]

[wevans]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband
inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied. "The
Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was
said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went
to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to
the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and
nobody offered me a damned thing."

But they all are