Dear Pennfish,
Hi. My name is Mrs. Flats Rascal and I'm writing you in reference to an extremely touchy and delicate situation - My husband's, Flats Rascal, inability to catch fish. In all fairness to my dear Flats, it may be more his inability to find fish rather than his inability to actually catch them. But I'll get to that later....
The bottom line (cringe) is - He hasn't had a successful outing in quite some time. This has not only had a devestating effect on relationships with co-workers and close friends - It has caused a noticeable strain on our marriage.
Pennfish, Flats is just a shadow of the man I first met. Only a few months ago he was my swashbuckling, addicted to fishing he-man. The captain of our 14' Cape Horn ship. You know, rush back to the ramp hoping someone would want to sneak a peak at "those beauties on ice".
But now, more often than not, we head home to Tallahassee with nothing but empty Corona bottles. Did you know you can buy tuna at the Woodville IGA for 21 cents a can?
It's terrible! Folks think he's scared to go back out and try. Fish? Forget it! These days he'd rather sit on the couch and rip back issues of Florida Sportsman into tiny pieces. He laughs that crazy laugh when he yells "Those Shallow Water Angler people really knew what they were doing when they didn't send those issues I subscribed for!"
Any mention of fish sends him into a funk. That means no Food Network or watching Sunshine on Saturday mornings. How bad is it you ask? We watched a re-run of Barney Miller last night. When Abe Vigoda came on, Flats ran to the corner of the living room and balled up in a fetal position. I won't even begin to tell you where those pages of my cookbook seafood recipies went. Let's just say plumbers are expensive and leave it at that....
Yes, Pennfish. I desperately need your help. I'm asking. No, I'm begging for any numbers you may have. I'm certain it will save my marriage, Flat's job, and yes, possibly fishing in the free world as we know it!
Thank you for taking time to read this. God Bless you and God Bless America!
Hugs and kisses,
Mrs. Chicken-of-the-Sea
Note - Mrs. Rascal and I are still happily married and havin' the times of our lives!
ATA BOY 