Colonoscopy

[jsuber]

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:




I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'




I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.




I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.




The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.




MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and star t eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.




After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.




At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.




Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but*then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.




W hen everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.




'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.




I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.




ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

[Redbelly]

After half a century on this world you are advised to git one done! It's my turn now.....

[whitebc]

[KyTrkyHntr]

Funny post! My sister-in-law is getting her's done this a.m. Something I'm not looking forward to down the road.....

[Sir reel]

Had two of em so far.... I remember having some little bottle of concentrated liquid (form of MoviPrep I guess) that had to be mixed with water and consumed. I got the bright idea, after making it through about 2/3rds of the coctail, which was strangely familar to a product we used in Missouri to clear stumps out of a field by blowing them up, to just bite the bullet and drink the remainder to get it over with. After crawling around on the bathroom floor trying to catch my breath and saying thanks to the Ambulance Driver for hit'n me in the chest to get my heart started again, it was reinforced in my mind that one should follow directions when involved in an experience, without any experience.... any wonder why my signature line reads like it does??!!

[Reel Cowboy]

My sisters' husband had one this week.
I have a feeling that I don't won't to get that old.

[RHTFISH]

Had two of em so far.... I remember having some little bottle of concentrated liquid (form of MoviPrep I guess) that had to be mixed with water and consumed. I got the bright idea, after making it through about 2/3rds of the coctail, which was strangely familar to a product we used in Missouri to clear stumps out of a field by blowing them up, to just bite the bullet and drink the remainder to get it over with. After crawling around on the bathroom floor trying to catch my breath and saying thanks to the Ambulance Driver for hit'n me in the chest to get my heart started again, it was reinforced in my mind that one should follow directions when involved in an experience, without any experience.... any wonder why my signature line reads like it does??!!

Nothing beats experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always shake up the team when I ask pointedly..."Which of you is best at video games?.....That's who I want driving that wicked monster up my arse!"

[RHTFISH]

Next time I want Lou Rawls to do mine!!!!!!

If you've never seen this....enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olzXKAMB5sc" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Dubble Trubble]

I just got my instruction papers for mine on Sept 18th.....

This sentence was in the letter. "You need to obtain a 3 oz bottle of Fleet Phospho Soda at the pharmacy. If a larger size is used do not exceed the dosage recommended by the instructions, as serious side effects may occur.



Dubble

You know, I am of firm belief that all proctologists must be dyslexic. At the entrance question for college, the form must have said "Check box on left for gynocology, check box on right for proctology"....

[Sir reel]

That's the stuff!!

Code: Select all

 serious side effects may occur.

Preach on brother!!

[RHTFISH]

Oh Mr. Dubble Trubble....you just think you know what S-E-R-I-O-U-S means...

[Redbelly]

My fishing buddy, 55, just got one done 3 weeks ago. They removed 8 polyps. Precancerous. He was lucky he went when he did. Now he has to go every year for 5 years.

I don't look forward to it, but I don't want the result if I don't.

[Dubble Trubble]

After my replies yesterday to this thread, the phone rings....

It is the doctors office telling me I go Tuesday instead of September....They had an opening...

Looks like Tuesday, I will have an "opening" also.....

I dread "Colon Blow" Monday.....

My Avatar will now have a special meaning to it.....


Dubble

[RHTFISH]

Stay loose my man!

Kidding aside....you'll be fine...look forward to your report!

[Jumptrout51]

My advice is....."Just say NO".